


Feels Like I Only Go Backward, Baby

by ughaghost



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Closeted Character, Depression, F/F, Flirting, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughaghost/pseuds/ughaghost
Summary: Emma Swan has an audition for a show she'd be thrilled to be a part of, with an actress she admires. Unfortunately, she and Regina Mills take an immediate dislike to each other. A bad first impression isn't the only thing Emma will be fighting against to keep this role.





	Feels Like I Only Go Backward, Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It Seems Like I Only Go Backward, Baby [Art]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15791379) by [nessabooop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessabooop/pseuds/nessabooop). 



> The title is from the Tame Impala song of the same name. Shout outs to @Zeenie75 from the twitters for being the only person to read this thing and hence, the only reason I didn't toss it and myself in the trash. No beta though, just a one person focus group, so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I hope you like it. But I truly understand why you might not.

 

**Some kind of chemistry?**

 

She was excited for this, despite evidence to the contrary. It had been years since the last time Emma had gotten a chance like this, to come into a show early enough to actually develop the character. She’d done some indie movies and some plays since, which weren’t exactly gaining her notoriety or putting much money in her bank account. Although the guest spots she’d done on popular shows had kept the fans around, she was _s_ tarting to doubt this acting thing. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for it after all, maybe Clara from Difficult Doctor was all she’d ever be. But then she was sent this script and she just knew. She was ready to really sink her teeth into something and this show sounded promising. 

 

It was sci-fi and female lead. An ensemble affair, though her relationship with the captain was to be the hook of the show. Which is why she was going for a chemistry read with the actor playing the captain.

 

She was so thrilled by the whole thing she hadn’t been to bed until late, instead nursing beers and practicing her lines into the early morning. She was so exhausted that when her alarm rang at 5:30am, only 3 hours after she’d fallen into bed, she slept right through it. She’d only awoken when her agent, Ruby, started spamming her cell with texts asking her if she was on her way yet. She’d looked at the time, cursing as she rolled dizzily out of bed and dressed in the clothes she’d left on the floor. She didn’t even have time to sort out her hair, instead throwing it into a ponytail and jumping into her boots before racing out the door.

 

All that goes to explain Emma’s ten minutes late entrance into the audition room. She’d been in such a rush she’d left her laces undone which, being a klutz, she tripped over just as she entered the room. Completely losing her balance she toppled into a large table, upending the entire thing. Assorted refreshments fell to the floor where Emma lay, mouth wide wide in horror. Her audience, the shows director and one of the executive producers rushed over to help her up while a middle aged brunette looked on from her seat demurely. Emma couldn’t be sure but it looked as if she was stifling a laugh.

 

“Miss Swan, are you okay?” Archie, the director, asked, voice filled with concern. He held out a hand, which Emma took, allowing him to hoist her gently to her feet. The Executive Producer Faye Bleu, stood beside them ringing her hands.

 

“I’m fine, really. Sorry I’m late, traffic was a nightmare,” Emma remarked, barely resisting the urge to bring a hand to her flaming face. Could this be going any worse?

 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Faye asked again.

 

“Oh yeah, totally. You’d be surprised how much practice I have falling.” And now she was rambling nervously about how much of a klutz she was. It was like she didn’t want this job at all. 

 

A snort sounded from the dark haired woman still seated across the room and Emma felt a flash of annoyance. Could she pretend to be enjoying this less?

 

“Well I’ll get someone in here to clean this up. Archie, take them over to conference room 307 and get them ready to read as soon I get there. We’re running a bit behind.” Emma couldn’t tell if that was meant to be a jab at her or not but she winced regardless.

 

Faye left the room and Archie looked between Emma and the other woman with a warm smile. “If you’d follow me, ladies?”

 

The dark haired woman rose gracefully and chose to instead, make her way to the room herself. Emma could hear the sound of her walking purposefully down the hall, her heels clicking into the distance.

 

Archie held the door for Emma like a gentleman, setting a far more leisurely pace, as Emma limped behind him down the hall. She’d banged her knee up a bit in the fall and hoped they weren’t looking for anything too physical from her. The auditions leading up to this had been rigorous, they’d seen a lengthy display of her physical fitness along with her ability to act opposite a tennis ball, weirdly enough, Sci-fi could be varied like that. She knew this chemistry read was her last obstacle to the role and hoped her injury caused by her own idiocy wouldn’t hold her back.

 

They entered the room to find the woman already seated and going over her script.

 

“Take a seat Emma, Faye will be along soon. Perhaps introduce yourself to our Captain and go over your script,” Archie suggested with a smile. Emma nodded and made her way over the other woman, taking a seat beside her. 

 

She squinted at her, shooting her a shy smile. She couldn’t help but feel like she knew her from somewhere, but wasn’t willing to stare too hard because of her lingering embarrassment. She plunked her over-sized satchel on the table and dug through it for her script before letting out a quiet groan. She could picture it, sitting on her dining room table, where she’d left it that morning in her rush. She’d just have to ask to share.

 

Emma turned to her neighbour and cleared her throat. The woman didn’t look up so she tried again.

 

“Miss Swan?” The woman huffed, looking up impatiently.

 

Emma put on her brightest smile and looked into deep brown eyes, eyes she suddenly recognized.

 

“Hi.” She stuttered. She knew this woman. Regina Mills was playing the captain! She was acting opposite a woman who’s career (and face) she’d admired for years. She was even more gorgeous in person. Emma couldn’t recall what she’d been intending to say, finally placing Regina had made her completely forget what she was saying. Christ she needed to stop staring and do damage control.

 

“Sorry,” Emma started again, “I don’t think we’ve met properly.” Emma held out a hand which Regina stared at for an uncomfortably long time before taking. 

 

“I know who you are Miss Swan. And based on your gawking I assume you know of me as well.” Regina’s eyes twinkled.

 

Emma felt her cheeks warm again as she laughed awkwardly. “Yeah I didn’t really get a good look at you earlier what with-”

 

“-You’re cacophonous and late entrance? I’m sure.” Regina raised a brow and smirked. Belatedly, Emma realized she hadn’t let go of her hand and did so reluctantly.

 

“Right well here’s the thing. I was in such a rush, as you saw, I sort of left my script at home, so I was just hoping you’d let me read from yours?”

 

Regina pursed her lips, “You’re telling me on top of being late, you don’t have your script., not to mention looking as if you haven’t showered. Do you know anything about professionalism?”

 

And okay Emma could admit she’d sort of bungled things but  Regina didn’t have to be so rude about it. Not everyone could dress as if they were mayor of a small town or on there way to an important business meeting. Emma looked from her suit jacket to her short skirt and the beautiful bronze legs wrapped in it and licked her lips subconsciously. And certainly not everyone could pull it off so well.

 

“Listen lady-” Faye entered the room cutting short what was sure to turn into a heated exchange. She took a seat next to an oblivious Archie who’d been looking at his phone. 

 

“Ladies, if you could start on scene 5. You’re supposed to be having an argument so don’t be afraid to get a little passionate alright?”

 

She still didn’t have her script, so despite how unprepared it would make her look, Emma knew she need to ask for another. “Actually I-” Regina cut her off, pointedly nudging the script closer to her and starting to read.

 

They ran the scene and Emma could feel it instantly. The chemistry was palpable, the tension between them only serving to make their performances more authentic. The problem came when they tried at something friendlier. A scene where they were supposed to be bonding but they couldn’t stop sniping at each other.

 

“I admire how seriously you take your job,” Regina recited. But what was supposed to come across as sincere, instead sounded to Emma, to be a subtle insult. Suddenly she was furious, all her anxiety about this awful audition turned to anger. It was all she could do to stay in character and recite her next line.

 

“Careful with the compliments Captain, people might think you actually care about us mere underlings.” It was supposed to be light-hearted ribbing but Emma’s tone was cutting, her jaw clenched. Regina was so surprised, she didn’t continue the scene.

 

Faye waved a hand,” Let’s...try that again. Emma you’re supposed to be teasing, try to be less aggressive.”

 

“I will if she will.” Emma crossed her arms in annoyance.

 

Regina scoffed, “What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“As if you don’t know,” Emma rolled her eyes. “That line about about me taking my work seriously, your trying to tell me you didn’t put extra emphasis on it?”

 

Regina tilted her head in exasperated confusion, “ I read the line as I thought my character would have. Any slight you saw in it was a figment of your imagination. Some of us are professionals and know how to behave as such.” 

 

That was definitely a jibe. “Well some of us don’t take joy in other people’s suffering or go out of our way to make it worse. I, see people were right about you.” 

 

Regina flinched and blinked, face going carefully blank. “And for your information I do take my job seriously. I was so excited for this role I was up late reading the script which is why I was late and look a mess.But it seems it was pointless because you’ve already made up your mind about me.” Regina opened her mouth as if to respond but Emma didn’t give her the chance.

 

She turned to Archie and Faye. “Is there anything else you need from me?” This was pointless. She’d fucked everything up from the moment it had started, better to cut her losses. 

 

“No I think we got all we need from you Miss Swan. We’ll be in touch.” She shook Faye and Archie’s hands, slung her bag over her shoulder and walked briskly from the room refusing to meet Regina’s inscrutable eyes.

 

It took her until five minutes into her drive to burst out into ugly tears. What a mess. She’d behaved like such an asshole. Even if Regina had been trying to upset her, she should never have let her get to her. She was just exhausted and embarrassed and she’d let herself get upset and irrational. Her therapist would have a field day with this if she was still seeing him... or taking the pills he’d prescribed for that matter. 

 

When she got home, she turned off her phone which hadn’t stopped ringing the entire car ride, crawled into bed, and pulled the blanket over her head. She didn’t want to see anyone. She couldn’t face what an idiot she’d been.

 

**Apologies, drunkenness and further apologies**

 

Somehow she got the role. Emma still wasn’t sure how it happened. She knew, that she probably shouldn’t have just because of the way she treated Regina. Her behavior was immature and her first intent was to apologize, hopefully Regina would give her the chance.

 

Regina was hosting the party she was heading toward. She could alreadyd feel the awkwardness. Emma google mapped the address and it was a house in the hills, as if her nerves weren’t bad already. She drove her yellow bug up to the gate and handed her I.D. to the security guard still half convinced she wouldn’t be on the list. When he waved her through, she sighed with relief. That could have been embarrassing.

 

Pulling up the long drive to Regina’s home, Emma gaped at the sheer size of the building. It was an old looking mansion, gorgeous and expensive but tasteful in architecture. She pulled to a stop and gave her keys to the waiting valet before making her way up the front walk. Two large, ornate doors loomed over her heightening the suspense. She could still be turned away at the door, though she knew that was an irrational thought. Before she could push herself to knock, a well dressed man pulled the door open and ushered her inside. He asked her name, placing a check on the clipboard, offered to take her jacket and directed her through to the large living room/parlour. Emma asked after Regina, hoping to get that conversation over with as soon as possible, he told her she was mingling with the guests but if all else failed to head towards the fireplace. 

 

The room was a tastefully decorated and expensive looking as the rest of the house. The cast and crew milled around drinking and chatting. Emma sought out the bar first, assuming she’d need some liquid courage, before starting her search for Regina. She wasn’t hard to find located next to the fireplace just as the man said. She headed in that direction, a hand grasped her shoulder on her way. Turning she spotted, ugh, Killian Jones. He was dressed in a tacky black suit he’d probably paid more for than it was worth. Forgoing the tie he also wore a white shirt unbuttoned almost to his navel with the scent of rum wafting off of him like cologne.

 

“Swan you look bloody delicious.” He leered at her sloppily.

 

“Killian, found any treasure lately?”

 

He blinked in confusion.

 

“Never mind. Look I need to speak to Regina so I’m gonna…” She attempted to walk away but his hand caught her again, this time around this wrist. He pulled her to him and started some sort of swaying tripping two stepped movement she assumed was his attempt at dancing.

 

“Aww come on Swan, have a dance with your new lover. We have to build a connection so we look better together on screen, though I don’t see how we could look bad considering how sexy we are.”

 

Emma scoffed in disgust and tried once again to extricate herself, hoping his smell didn’t rub off on the very costly designer dress she had to return the next day. “Killian there are no long term plans for any sort of romantic entanglements for my character this season. We have a one night stand.”

 

“But if we sell it, it could lead to more. So we need to sell it.” 

 

The last thing Emma wanted, was her character bound to Killian’s in any way. She already found him annoying and was hoping to spare herself any more than absolutely necessary time with him. But she couldn’t exactly say that, she didn’t want to start any further problems between her and her castmates.

 

“Mind if I cut in?” A silky voice came from over her shoulder,  Emma didn’t know whether to be relieved or frightened.

 

“Yeah I mind, Miss Swan and I were just getting properly acquainted.”

 

“By the look on her face, I can tell she’d rather be drowning in the rum you stink of. Go home Killian, you’re drunk.”

 

He was indignant and looked about to protest when Regina lifted a brow and gave him a vicious smile. “Leave graciously or be tossed out Killian, your choice?”

 

With a huff, he released Emma and stomped toward the foyer. Emma was still swaying in his wake when Regina scooped her into her arms leading her in a far more elegant dance.

 

Her dress was gorgeous, black and daring. A cloud of musky, sharp perfume floated around her. Emma decided no matter how this went, being in the presence of beauty this astounding was worth the nerves.

 

Regina danced as she looked, elegant and graceful. Emma let her lead them while she tried to decide how to start her apology.

 

“I hope Killian hasn’t ruined your evening,” Regina interrupted her sputtering thoughts.

 

“Uh no. I mean, it’s still early. And it’s already turned around.” Emma blushed when she realized how that sounded.

 

“Hmm,” Regina hummed with a slight smile. “Actually now that I’ve got you,” she hesitated, “I feel as though we should talk, privately.”

 

“Alright.” Emma gulped. Regina didn’t seem upset but she could be putting on a kind face for appearances sake. Her hands grew clammy at the thought.

 

She squeezed Emma’s hand and released her. “Go mingle. Now that Killian’s gone it should be relatively painless. Unless of course, you run into Mary Margaret. That woman can talk endlessly. I’ll meet you in an hour, in my study. It’s just upstairs three doors down, on the left.”

 

Emma nodded in response as Regina disappeared back into the crowd.

 

Deciding having another drink for her nerves probably wasn’t a good idea, Emma plastered a smile on her face and looked around the room. She’d resigned herself to attempting painful small talk with the crew when a small brunette woman with a pageboy cut caught her eye and beelined through the room toward. Her apprehension must have been obvious because the woman shot her a blinding smile, which immediately put her at ease. “Hey Mary Margaret.”

 

“Emma, I’m so glad to see you. You look gorgeous.”

 

Emma had bonded with Mary Margaret during an earlier audition. She was the only person Emma felt comfortable saying she knew at this party. Something about her made Emma trust her immediately, which was unusual for her.

 

MM grimaced, “I saw you with Killian earlier. I’m sorry I didn’t cut in but it looked like someone else came to your rescue.”

 

Emma smiled slightly, “Regina kicked him out actually.” Her smile fell as she remembered the end of that conversation. “She said she wants to talk. Alone.”

 

“OOooo What did you do?” Mary Margaret asked with a laugh.”

 

“I was rude to her at our chemistry read. I didn’t even really think I’d get the job after that debacle, to be honest.”

 

Looking thoughtful Mary Margaret gazed across the room at Regina. “Well based on what I saw, she didn’t seem upset with you. And trust me, you’d know.” She smiled reassuringly. “I’d say she just wants to clear the air. Don’t worry about it.I know Regina can be...intimidating-”

 

Emma scoffed. “That’s putting it mildly.”

 

“-But she has a good heart. And she takes her work very seriously. If she didn’t want you hired or didn’t think you were qualified, you wouldn’t be here. It should be fine.”

 

Emma too eyed Regina across the room. She caught her eye as she turned and shot a look over her shoulder before exiting the parlour. Emma could feel her spine grow rigid with nervous tension. “Are you sure about this?” She asked MM softly.

 

“Emma,” Mary Margaret pulled her into a quick hug, “I’ve known Regina for years. I promise, you’ll be fine.

 

Resigned, Emma sighed and nodded once at MM with a shaky smile before following Regina from the room. 

 

She found what she thought was Regina’s office and knocked on the closed door. It took barely seconds for Regina to open it. 

 

“Miss Swan, come in.” She gestured to a surprisingly comfy looking couch. “Take a seat. Can I offer you a drink?” 

 

Thinking it had been quite a while since her first drink, and that it would give her something to do with her hands, Emma was quick to accept. “Yeah, that’d be great thanks.”

 

“Any preferences?”

 

“Do you have whiskey?” 

 

Regina smiled, “Of course.” She poured them both a double and joined Emma on the couch, handing her a glass along with a coaster.

 

“I’m sure you know why I asked to speak to you?”

 

“I uh yeah,” Emma took a large swallow from her glass, cleared her throat. “I know I was way out of line at the audition. I was just so nervous and I guess I thought you were trying to be a jerk. I don’t know. I mean I just got angry and it was completely unprofessional and I’m super grateful you didn’t have me like, black-listed or anything because this role means a lot to me. And I’ve always admired your work even if you don’t think much of me. So yeah.” Having finished rambling Emma drew in a giant breath, her eyes flickering between the floor, Regina’s bewildered expression and the closed door. She pondered whether it she could run without looking like a complete maniac.

 

After an excruciating silence, Regina spoke. “I...I was actually going to apologize to you, Emma.”

 

She couldn’t have heard her correctly. She stared into Regina’s eyes in confusion. “What?”

 

“I realize that I may have been...harsher than necessary, towards you. And my earlier remarks were good reason to believe I was insulting you further. I’d like to start over.”

 

Regina leaned forward, taking a few large sips of her own glass. “Honestly, I knew you were perfect for the role as soon as you started. Us arguing didn’t change my mind in the least.” Her face paled. “Did you really think I would have you black-listed?”

 

“Uh kinda.” Emma nodded sheepishly.”

 

Regina grimaced looking down into her glass. “I know my reputation. As do you, I assume.”

 

“I’m sorry about that.”

 

“I know what people say about me but I’d hoped, naively it seems, that things weren’t quite so bad.” 

 

She turned sad eyes back on Emma. “I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t have someone black-listed just because they’d upset me. I would only go so far for professional reasons or if i thought they were...morally reprehensible and even then...”

 

Somehow Emma knew exactly what she was thinking about. “Ehh Killian isn’t so bad.”

 

Regina blinked in surprise. Seeing her like this Emma realized maybe Regina wasn’t so intimidating afterall. Still gorgeous and ridiculously talented, but also unsure and flawed. Human, more so than people seemed to think.

 

“I mean he got a little handsy tonight. But honestly he’s more annoying than anything.” Swallowing the dregs from her glass Emma placed it onto the coaster and slid closer to Regina. She reached out tentatively and patted her leg. “You’re not so bad either, you know.”

 

Regina eyed her uncertainly. “No seriously. It’s obvious we got off on the wrong foot but I still thought you were exceptional. And despite all the...tension, or maybe because of it, I felt like reading with you was...right? You know? It felt like we had something.”

 

“I know what you mean.” Regina smiled, the sadness finally disappearing from her eyes.

 

“So I say, we forget the misunderstanding, and focus on this. Maybe get to know each other a little better. It can only make our scenes together, better right?”

 

“Perhaps we could even become friends,” Regina added shyly. Something about the way she said it made Emma think Regina didn’t have many of those. It didn’t make any sense to her because even with the rumours, it was obvious Regina had so much to offer.

 

“Perhaps.” Emma wiggled her brows with a giggle. Maybe she could become Regina’s friend. Not the kind she truly deserved, but since it seemed she was the only person offering...

 

“Right.” Standing Regina walked across to the minibar and collected the bottle of whiskey before returning to her seat and refilling both their glasses. “Why not start now?”

 

The music and chatter from the party still going below them drifted into the room catching Emma’s attention. “Won’t you be missed, I mean this is your party?”

 

Regina shrugged. “George can handle the guests. I’m no longer in the mood for all that.” She waved her hand dismissively. “I’d rather be here talking to you.”

 

Emma had no idea how to begin address that. The idea that Regina preferred talking to her over the being the center of attention at her own elaborate shindig was frankly, baffling. But she wouldn’t question it. Instead she took a deep swallow from her glass and leaned back with a small smile. “So I guess we should get started on this whole getting to know each other business. Ask me anything?”

 

\---

 

An hour later, when George knocked on the door to tell Regina the last of her guests were gone, they barely paused to acknowledge him. They were both flushed and bright eyed. Laughing heartily and leaning into each other under the influence of good liquor and better conversation. Later Emma would remember the warmth of Regina’s laugh. The pride at making her blush with pleasure, at more than one compliment. But when she woke the next morning, entangled with Regina, it was all she could do to carefully extract herself without waking the other woman. Her head pounded filled with internal admonishment because this, whatever this was, it couldn’t go any further.

 

It took her awhile but Emma found George, who pulled her car around. She fled into the sunrise.

  
  


**Friendship out of adversity**

  
  


So she got a little drunk and flirty with Regina. It meant nothing, she wasn’t herself. Emma made sure to send that message, their first day on set. If Regina’s eyes shuttered, and her face went blank in a painfully familiar way when she shrugged her off, Emma tried not to dwell on that. She didn’t want them to be at odds but being too chummy would be dangerous for reasons she has no desire to think too deeply into.

 

Their working relationship was cordial. They didn’t talk much between scenes but their chemistry was stronger than ever while filming. Emma tried to convince herself that this was enough. That she wasn’t lonely and sad yearning to explore their connection. Sometimes she even succeeded. Perhaps they would have maintained their shallow relationship if it weren’t for the problem of Killian.

 

Emma had thought Killian harmless but she was starting to reconsider that decision. They’d filmed their hookup early on in the shooting process. Love scenes were never great to film and despite being fairly tame, theirs was a network show afterall, it had been a real struggle for her. Killian hadn’t made it any easier.

 

He’d been handsy, skirting the line of propriety and she’d come close to asking the director to cut several times but ultimately she toughed it out. She’d thought after it was over she could go back to only working with him in ensemble scenes. 

 

But then he’d begun popping up in her trailer, asking Emma out for dinner or drinks over and over no matter how many times she said no. It was getting to the point that she couldn’t go a day without having to turn him down once again. He seemed to think she was playing some sort of game and if he just kept trying, showing up, asking her out, eventually she’d realize she wanted what he did.

 

Whether all this was just for the role or because he really was romantically interested in her, Emma didn’t care. She was finding it hard just showing up to work every day. It was draining saying no and making excuses to escape him time and again. Something she’d been so looking forward to, working on this fantastic show with a cast and crew of really talented people, was being tainted for her and she had no idea what to do about it.

 

A voice in her head, that voice always reminding her of her worth, told her if she said anything no one would believe her and if they did they wouldn’t care. She’d be labeled problematic and everyone would think less of her. After all maybe she wasn’t being clear enough, if he still thought it was okay to ask right? Maybe she was leading him on in some way. She kept her head down and hoped eventually Killian would get the message. 

 

She hadn’t noticed Regina watching her and Killian film together. Regina seeing Emma walking quickly away from her trailer or some dark corner of the set looking upset and Killian trailing behind her looking smug.

 

One day instead of Killian waiting within her trailer she was met by the surprising sight of Regina.

 

“Hello Emma.”

 

Regina looked nervous, Emma couldn’t help but notice. She was fidgeting in her position leaned against a wall.

 

“Regina. Hey? Uhm, what are you doing here.”

 

“I needed to talk to you about something serious I believe is going on.”

 

Slightly confused, Emma took a seat on the couch and nodded for Regina to go on.

 

“I’ve seen you and Killian together quite a lot lately.”

 

Emma froze, her eyes widened in shock. “I-”

 

“If you’re sleeping together, that’s none of my business. But it hasn’t seemed ...consensual.”

 

Emma swallowed harshly, eyes falling to the floor.

 

“Every time I see you walking away from him you look upset. And you’ve seemed...off in our scenes together as well.”

 

She shouldn’t say anything. This could be a trap. Maybe Regina was trying to trick into complaining and make her look bad. Even as she thought that she knew it wasn’t logical, wasn’t right.

 

“I need you to tell me if he’s bothering you Emma. I can’t do anything if I don’t know for sure.

 

Emma hadn’t noticed Regina closing the distance between them until she sat beside her on the couch. Slowly she reached over and pulled Emma’s hands into her own. “Emma,” she said soothingly trying to make eye contact, “I need you to trust me. I can get rid of him, but only if you tell me what’s going on.”

 

“He-” Emma was shaking, she hadn’t noticed. It couldn’t possibly be this easy. Why would Regina do this for her after what she did. After she pretended that night at the party didn’t happen and refused to speak about it when Regina brought it up. Why would she care? Ultimately, Emma decided, she’d rather take her chances with Regina than have to keep this in any longer. She couldn’t keep facing him, it was killing her.

 

“He keeps asking me out. Waiting for me in here or catching me around the lot and just asking me if i want to get drinks. Talking about how good we’d be together offscreen and on if I’d just give him a chance. I’ve turned him down more times than i can count now but he just won’t stop. He hasn’t- he hasn’t touched me, at least not since that one scene we filmed together but he keeps getting too close and I just-”  Emma voice broke with her distress. “I just want him to leave me alone.”

 

“Okay,” Regina squeezed her hands tightly, “I’ll take care of it.” She waited until Emma had stopped shaking before squeezing her hands once more and releasing. She stood to leave but Emma’s voice stopped her.

 

“Why would you do this for me after I- after we-”

 

“Because,” she sighed turning back to catch Emma’s eye, her face stern. “Regardless of anything going on between you and I what he’s doing is sexual harassment. And no one deserves that.”

 

She turned again, placing her hand on the knob.

 

“But...I know I...hurt you.”

 

“Yes, you have. But I’d do the same for anyone.” And with those words Regina was gone.

 

The next day the Faye and Archie called a meeting announcing Killian’s dismissal from the show. Emma was beyond relieved, and so grateful. She caught Regina’s gaze across the room and offered a tentative smile, one which Regina surprisingly returned. She knew she owed Regina an apology and thanks. More than words could express really. And she wasn’t sure how to go about reaching out but she wanted to. She owed Regina that much.

 

The next day she showed up to Regina’s trailer with lunch. She’d opted for a small salad for Regina and a grilled cheese for herself. 

 

She knocked debating whether this was a good idea or not in her head. A few seconds later a surprised Regina opened the door.

 

“Emma?”

 

“I brought lunch. I thought...we could eat together?”

 

She rocked on her feet awkwardly as Regina, face blank, just looked at her. Abruptly, she took a step back waving Emma through.

 

“What did you get me?” 

 

“A grilled chicken salad. Is that okay?”

 

She nodded taking her food. They ate in tense silence for several minutes until Emma decided she had to say something.

 

“Thank you for getting rid of Killian. He was making it unbearable being here and I- just thanks.”

 

Again Regina simply nodded.

 

“I’m sorry.” Finally, Regina turned her attention to Emma.

 

“We were supposed to be trying to get to know each other and I just...freaked out i guess. It was so easy with you, too easy. I don’t usually- I don’t really know how to do that. I’m sorry.” Of course Emma isn’t good at making friends. Friendship requires trust, which doesn’t come easy to her. Not usually. But with Regina it does. She wants to trust her. She doesn’t want to turn her back on their natural draw to each other.

 

“How do you want to proceed?” Regina asked, setting her fork down gently.

 

“What?”

 

“Would you like to go back to pretending it never happened or is this your way of trying to start over. Because we’ve done that once before and it didn’t work out so well the last time.”

 

“I don’t want to start over.”

 

Regina frowned, a hurt she couldn’t conceal in her eyes. “Then what was the point-”

 

“I want to have lunch with you and talk. Or not. We could just sit here.”

 

“Lunch? Regina asked skeptically.”

 

“Just lunch, we can start there,” Emma affirmed.

 

“Alright then.” 

 

They shared a smile that warmed Emma to the tips of her toes. Then went back to silently eating, smiles still on their faces.

  
  


**The Ex comes to Visit**

  
  


“Mal, oh my gosh, what are you doing here?” Regina asked with a giant smile. She threw her arms around the woman in a warm embrace which was enthusiastically returned. 

 

“I’m Sykes.” She replied with a smug smile.   
  
“Oh really. I guess I understand now why there was no need for a chemistry read. What a fantastic surprise.”

 

Taking notice of Emma, Mal stuck a hand out to her and introduced herself. “Mal Drake, I’ve heard good things.

 

She was striking, and commanded the focus of everyone in the near vicinity. Emma was so overwhelmed by her presence it took her a few moments to react. “Oh gosh, umh that’s- nice to meet you,” Emma stammered with a blush, shaking Mal’s hand firmly.

 

“Aren’t you just adorable,” Mal purred, blue eyes flashing. Emma felt her blush darkening. What was it about this woman?

 

“Oh Mal, stop that.” Regina swatted her arm with a laugh. “Look what you’ve done to her, let the poor girl breathe.”

 

“Well am I wrong? She’s cute. More your type than mine but still, she reminds me a bit of myself when I was less...experienced.” And what the hell did that mean? 

 

“Please, you were never nearly so innocent.”

 

Mal chuckled at that. “You’re right of course. Come let’s go over these scenes in your trailer. I’m only here for 3 weeks. Then I’m off filming some french indie thing.”

 

“Oh?” 

 

“Tracy convinced me to do it. And I do so love Paris.”

 

“Later Emma.” Regina waved, linking arms with Mal.

 

Mal smirked again, at a still bewildered Emma, “Yes, later Emma. I do so hope we get a chance to get to know each other.” 

 

“I- yeah me too.” With that Regina and Mal left. “What the heck just happened?”

 

“Yes Malificent does have that effect on people.” A voice came from over Emma’s shoulder.

 

“Mary Margaret, how do Regina and Mal know each other?”

 

“They dated, for a time.”

 

Emma’s eyes widened in shock. “They were, together? But I thought- I’ve only ever heard about Regina being linked with men.”

 

“Heternormativity is a hell of thing. She’s never hidden it and if she were ever asked I’m sure she would tell them. It just seems that the media never pays any attention to the women she is seen with. Especially after her relationship with Robin.” 

 

Theirs was a very public breakup. Robin had had a child hidden away, when the media found out it was splashed across headlines. Regina had been completely blindsided by the whole thing. They'd been engaged to be married at the time. She called it off not long after. After some subsequent very public and “romantic” attempts to win her back were merely scoffed at by Regina, She was spurned by his fans and the media. It was patently sexist and unfair, not unusual for hollywood.

 

Telling Mary Margaret she’d see her later, Emma headed off toward her own dressing room, to think (stew) on that thought. Regina wasn’t straight. So maybe all those vibes she’d been getting from her at the party and in their scenes were more than just her imagination...but it didn’t matter. Who knew, she might start things back up with Mal anyway. And Emma knew there was no way she could ( or wanted to of course) compete with her.

 

Malificent Drake was infuriating. She was competent (more than if Emma were willing to be generous,she isn’t) and beautiful (for an old lady, she was exactly 10 years older than Emma herself at 38) and funny in a dark sarcastic way. She’d been nothing but professional since she started filming. She played the role of an old friend turned enemy of Regina’s and was only supposed to be around for 3 eps before being killed off. But it was 3 too many as far as Emma was concerned. 

 

Emma didn’t know why her presence bothered her so much. She refused to address the  possessive thoughts of wanting all Regina’s attention to herself, of jealousy, not that that got rid of them. If it sometimes felt like there was a line they were straddling, desperately trying not cross, well she tried not to think too hard about that too.

 

Emma looked around blinking at the crackling sound in the air, and carefully set down the water bottle she’d crumpled in a clenched fist. Heaving a sigh she shook her head. Mal and Regina were none of her business. Regardless, if she was reacting like this to just the thought of them together it might be best to keep her distance from Regina for the 3 weeks Mal was around.

 

\---

 

By the next day she’d calmed down enough to reconsider. Sure she was  _ bothered _ by Mal, but that didn’t mean she had to let the woman chase her away. She and Regina were becoming something like friends and she missed her, she could make it through a meal with Regina and her ex.

 

She hadn’t needed to be on set for the morning, as they were shooting some Mal and Regina scenes. So she came in at lunch touting Regina’s favourite  salad, dressing on the side, along with her own lunch. She made her way to Regina’s trailer and knocked, bouncing on her heels. Hopefully they weren’t running over and had called lunch already. She was about to knock again when Regina answered. 

 

The sight that greeted her stole both her breath and all her senses. Regina was in a tank top and leggings, glistening with sweat. Her damp hair stuck to her neck drawing Emma’s eyes to it. 

 

“Hello Emma.” She smiled. The flush in her cheeks made Emma’s lips quirk up reflexively.

 

“Hi. I uh, brought you lunch.” She lifted the bag for Regina to see.

 

“Actually I-”

 

“We ordered something already. But there’s more than enough to go around Emma. Pull up a chair.” Mal poked her head over Regina’s shoulder.

 

“Yes, you should stay for lunch, Emma. We were practicing our fight scene.” Regina stepped back from the doorway, beckoning Emma inside.

 

Emma shifted on her feet as her eyes dropped to the floor. Of course Malificent was here. But she could do this...she thought? “I don’t want to intrude.”

 

“Nonsense. This is my chance to get to know you. It would be good to find out our chemistry outside of a table read.” Mal pulled out a chair at the table. “Sit.”

 

“Okay.”

 

She sat down, pulling out her own lunch, a deliciously greasy looking cheeseburger. Suddenly realizing she was starving, having not eaten yet today, she dug in. In the middle of a particularly large bite, she felt eyes on her and glanced up. Malificent was staring at her, face a mix of amusement and something like lust. Emma flushed immediately and tried to swallow, choking herself on half chewed burger.

 

“Does she always eat like this?” Mal asked Regina, tone teasing.

 

Regina chuckled, swallowing her own delicate bite before replying, “Actually I’ve never seen her quite like this.” She turned to Emma, “You must be ravenous.”

 

Still in the process of choking, Emma reached desperately for her water bottle, chugging half before she could formulate a reply. “I skipped breakfast.” 

 

“That explains it.” Grabbing a serviette Mal reached up and dabbed at the corner of her mouth. “You have a little something.” Her hand lingered as she stared into Emma’s eyes. She wasn’t sure what her face was doing but whatever it was caused both Mal and Regina to look at each other and laugh.

 

“Th-thanks.” Emma was so embarrassed. It seemed like she couldn’t control herself at all around Mal. And she wasn’t even the woman she was interested in. It was like she was a teen boy or something. God if anyone else saw her like this there was no way she could remain in the closet. It was dangerous. That sobering thought made her flushed face suddenly pale.

 

“Are you alright?” Regina asked, voice thick with worry.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Regina stared at her seemingly trying to decide if she were telling the truth but decided to let it go. 

 

Mal asked her a few questions, she gave one word answers to, avoiding her eyes, which only seemed to amuse her further. Eventually Mal and Regina fell into conversation like old friends. Talking about people they knew and what she and Mal had been up to in the past few years. Emma observed them silently, feeling like a third wheel. Mal flirted with Regina shamelessly as well. Although it didn’t affect her to the same degree, Regina replied in kind as if it were nothing. And it probably was. She could see the easy affection born from years together, between them. They were so comfortable together. God Emma wanted that, with Regina. She wanted to have that rapport with her. Watching her and Malificent together like this was too much. She decided she’d been right before, staying away while Mal was on set was definitely for the best. If not for the way she couldn’t seem to help but react to Mal’s overt flirting, then because seeing Regina flirting and with someone else in front of her was too much to bear.

 

The next few times they asked her to lunch she begged off with one excuse or another. She’d tried not to be too obvious about it but it was clear, Regina knew something was wrong. Especially because of the way she behaved during filming.

 

Her character was supposed to be suspicious of Officer Sykes, hostile. So it worked in scenes. But between takes, she couldn’t quite shake the anger she worked herself into watching them together. She was short with them both, especially Mal, and she could tell they were confused by it. She saw the flash of hurt in Regina’s eyes and promised herself she’d apologize later, when filming wrapped for the day, but she never did. By the end of the day she was so exhausted and pissed, mostly at herself because God this should not have been bothering her so much, that she just wanted to go home and cry about it and sleep it off. 

 

The cycle went on a week until a disgruntled Regina pulled Emma into a trailer one day.

 

“What the- Regina.” Emma swallowed nervously. “Why...Why am I here?”

 

She ran a hand through her hair in agitation. “I don’t know, Emma? Why don’t you tell me. Why have you been avoiding me for days at lunch. Or looking at me like you hate me every minute of filming.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re-”

 

“Don’t!” She held up a hand, her eyes hard. “Do not lie to me.” She began pacing, too full of anger and hurt to stay still. “I thought we were- no we were getting somewhere, you and I. I thought we were friends but now it’s like that first audition all over again. Tell me what’s wrong? What did I say to cause you to react this way this time?” Abruptly she stopped, looking at Emma again. “Tell me how to fix this, Emma?”

 

A teary eyed Regina was a heartbreaking sight, Emma knew this from watching her past performances but she’d never seen it in person before, she couldn’t stand it. Without preamble she reached out, cupping Regina’s face and pressed her mouth firmly against her’s. For a few seconds she didn’t respond and Emma was sure she’d made a colossal mistake. 

 

Then Regina’s lips came to life as she kissed back. One of her hand’s wound through Emma’s hair the other landing on her hip as she pulled Emma more firmly against her. The kiss was filled with everything between them up to this point. The immediate chemistry and irritation they felt towards each other in equal measure. Until the sound of a throat clearing behind them caused Emma to jump back in shock and shame.

 

“So you two finally figured it out then?” Mal looked between Regina and Emma with an even smugger than usual smirk on her face. “I thought I was going to have to lock you in here overnight.”

 

“I- we weren’t- it wasn’t-” Emma stammered.

 

“You weren’t sucking face with my ex?” Mal waved a hand dismissively. “Please. I know what I saw. And it’s not like I’m upset about it since I’ve been trying to make this happen from the beginning.” She laughs.

 

“What did you do Malificent?” Regina demands in annoyance.

 

“I noticed on my first day, how smitten you two were with each other but you’re both so oblivious. I decided to help you out.”

 

“So that’s why you kept flirting with her like that after I told you to stop?”

 

“That and she’s just so goddamn cute. I mean look at how red she’s getting as we speak.”

 

Emma could feel the panic building inside her. “You don’t- you can’t- I- “ She tried to breathe but her chest was tight and her mind spiraling. Even knowing what this was and having experienced them before didn’t always make it possible to stop them. Not to mention they’d been happening more frequently recently, a symptom of all the feelings she was swallowing down. She was overwhelmed and she couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think anything other than  _ This is it. “Now everyone will know I’m gay” _ and she was not ready. Her vision started to go black around the edges.

 

A warm hand was placed on her chest over her racing heart and her left hand, previously clamped over her ear was placed against someone’s chest. Slowly she began to register a warm voice counting steadily.

 

“...3...4...5...count with me sweetheart…”

 

Tentatively Emma started whispering in tandem, “6...7...8…”

 

By the time they reached, “15….16..17,” Emma was aware enough to open her eyes. She met Regina’s worried gaze. “Better?”

 

Pulling her hand back, Emma nodded, her eyes dropped to the floor in embarrassment. “I’m fine now. I’m sorry you had to-”

 

“Don’t apologize. Can we- do you want to talk about what triggered that?”

 

Emma didn’t even know where to start with that question. “Everything was just...Mal seeing us, kissing you, none of it should have happened.”

 

She saw the hurt flash across Regina’s face. “Can I ask why?”

 

“I’m not out and I’m not ready to be. Not to mention we’re coworkers. God we could be fired for this.” She was gasping again.

 

“Emma. Emma calm down. No one is getting fired okay.” Regina ducked her head to meet Emma’s eyes. “I can guarantee no one would care if they found out you were gay. Not here. Not unless it impacted your ability to act.” She sighed deeply. “But I know not everywhere is like that. I understand this is a scary thing for you. No one will find out about this.”

 

Emma looked around and realized Mal was no longer in the room. “But Mal knows! What if she tells someone? What if-”

 

“I promise you, she won’t tell anyone okay? She wouldn’t do that. The most you’ll get is more overt flirting and some teasing jokes. She won’t out you. I’ll make her swear it.” Her voice was strong and determined, and it was just enough to convince Emma.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Do you want me to go and get her? I’m sure she’s close by. She was worried about you.”

 

“Yeah I would- I would really appreciate that.”

 

Regina squeezed Emma shoulder climbing up off her knees and opening the door. She stuck her head out and beckoned for Mal to come back in. Mal’s face was drawn, with shame.

 

“Are you okay, Emma?”

 

“Yeah. Just a panic attack. It’s not my first.”

 

Mal shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to upset you, just to tease you a bit. I saw how you both felt and I wanted to help you see it as well. Of course I wouldn’t out you, Emma. That’s a personal choice. One, I’ve gone through obviously. I wouldn’t take that away from you.” Clearly she was listening at the door.

 

“Thank you.” Emma ran a hand over her face, realizing she must look a mess.

 

“So does this mean you’re going to stop looking as if you want to murder me constantly? And start joining us for lunch again?”

 

Emma groaned, “Was I that obvious?”

 

“To me. Regina had no idea. She was all sad puppy eyes and “Why won’t Emma talk to me. I miss her so much,” Mal whined exaggeratedly. 

 

Regina smacked her arm scoffing, “Shut up. I did not sound like that.”

 

“You didn’t have to listen to yourself.”

 

Emma followed the bantering pair as they walked back to set. Despite Malificent knowing about them, she couldn’t help but be grateful to her for making them take this step in their relationship.

 

Two weeks later, Mal left Regina with a hug and Emma with her phone number and the express order to call her if she needed to, at any point. 

 

And Emma knew along with the new romance hopefully developing between her and Regina, she’d made a new friend in the most unlikely of circumstances.

 

**Lights, Camera, Freeze**

 

Emma had come to find sneaking around as hot as it was anxiety inducing. There was kissing in her trailer and Regina’s. Not to mention closets (a bit on the nose that) and any  room with a locked door they could find when the mood struck them. But they hadn’t really discussed what it was they were doing.

 

Sometimes Emma could feel Regina’s eyes on her, searching for something. But every time she looked close to starting that conversation Emma just pulled her in for another kiss. They hadn’t even been on a date yet, what with their jam-packed shooting schedule. There’d been almost no downtime and the little they had was spent in either her or Regina’s places, wrapped around each other.

 

It was during one of those times the inevitable finally came up.

 

“I want to take you out.” Regina’s lips were kiss swollen, her pupils dilated and her voice breathy and Emma was enraptured, reminded once again just how completely gorgeous she was. Then the words registered and she pulled away, “Regina- “

 

“Emma. No one is going to know it’s a date. I had a 2 year relationship with a woman and no one even suspected.

 

“MM, did.” 

 

Regina scoffed. “That’s because she was on set with us and literally caught us together in Mal’s dressing room once.” she laughed a little meanly. “You should have seen her face, she was horrified but she couldn’t look away.”

 

Despite herself Emma laughed, she could picture it well. 

 

“We can do something casual then grab dinner. Most likely no one will even care about us.”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

Regina’s face set in determination, her hand going to the buttons on her blouse. “What is it going to take to get you to say yes?”

 

Despite all their heated make out sessions they hadn’t had sex yet. Emma could tell it was because Regina didn’t want to push her too far because knewhow difficult all this was for her. Logically she knew there were things they should probably discuss before they took this step but Emma’s body and her head weren’t in agreement.

 

Regina unbuttoned her shirt slowly, observing Emma’s reaction to each button. She shrugged off her top and her hands went to the clasp of her bra, before she eyed Emma questioningly. Emma, breathing hard, face flushed, barely had the wherewithal to nod in agreement. Then Regina’s bra was gone too. 

 

Emma lifted a hand tentatively, taking the breast into her palm. She squeezed gently, running her thumb over the nipple.

 

Regina moaned wiggling a little in Emma’s lap. Replacing her hand with her mouth, Emma sucked and lapped at each breast feverishly, making Regina in a panting, writhing mess. Becoming impatient, she pushed Emma onto her back and tugged at her shirt, which joined Regina’s across the room. Followed shortly by her bra. Regina grinded into her, kissing her deeply the bare breasts pressed together. It was all so good and Emma could feel herself throbbing, dripping with desire. 

 

But she was scared that that part of her brain that had been flipping out at every slight inconvenience, every moment of vulnerability wasn’t going to be able to handle going any farther than. That all the stimulation and being completely naked in front of Regina was going to cause her to shut down and freak out again and she didn’t want Regina to have to deal with that. 

 

She turned the kiss soft and slow before pulling back to look into Regina’s eyes. She was surprised to find, Regina’s eyes so full of understanding instead of disappointment. “You’re not ready.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No. Don’t ever be sorry for taking care of yourself or asking for what you need.”

 

“But we were so close and I-”

 

“This wasn’t the right time. I shouldn’t have pushed. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

 

Emma sighed, getting up to retrieve their clothes and handing Regina her’s.

 

“You know I want you right? That’s it not that?”

 

Regina laughed, kissing Emma’s still flushed cheek, “Oh, I know it’s not that. Whatever it is, whenever you’re ready, I’m here.”

 

“Maybe...that date wasn’t such a bad idea? I think it would help to build up to that. Connect a bit emotionally...or whatever. God that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever said.”

 

Regina snickered, “Somehow, I doubt that.”

 

“Rude.”

 

“But I see your point. We’ve spent so much time making out like teens since this started, we haven’t really been talking. I like talking to you. I want to know you, Emma.” 

 

It wasn’t just the words but the emotions behind them that made Emma feel things she’d started to regularly associate with Regina, safe and content and wanted. Things she’d never felt before and didn’t think she deserved, but she wanted to. And doing this for Regina, was one step in that direction.

 

“So a date then?”

 

Regina grinned sneakily. “And I’m planning it.”

 

\---

 

They went bowling. Emma couldn’t resist uttering an incredulous, “Really?” when she saw the alley. She was filled with excitement and anxiety, not unusual, except for once the excitement eclipsed anything else. Her first real date with a woman, not just any woman, Regina Mills who was so far out of her league she could barely comprehend it. 

 

The bowling alley wasn’t particularly busy. They’d chosen the only weekday they both had off from set, less chance of gawkers. Dressed down as they were, Emma mused, it was unlikely anyone would be able to tell it was them anyway, another of Regina’s ideas. Emma was enjoying seeing her dressed so casually, in jeans and a Star Wars shirt. She filed that little tidbit away for later teasing.

 

They got shoes, chose an alley and argued over who got to go first. Emma offered to let Regina pick her name and was promptly dubbed “Air Bud” because “You remind me of a golden retriever,” Regina laughed cheekily. Emma feigned offense and gave Regina the name “Elvira” because “I don’t know. You have that slightly spooky, definitely sexy thing going on.” Regina scoffed but couldn’t quite hide her smile.

 

To no one who had ever met her’s surprise, Emma was a terrible bowler. Even worse because she spent most of her time ogling Regina and attempting to look like she wasn’t. But she was convinced no one could blame her if they were also faced with the sight of Regina bending low in tight denim. Regina teased her when she turned to see Emma’s face bright red and again when Emma tripped over her own feet and nearly dropped her ball on her toes. Of course, Emma lost handily, but she didn’t mind.

 

Then they headed off to lunch, Regina still refusing to disclose where they were going. “If I told you beforehand, I wouldn’t get your genuine reaction.”

 

“Ugh, you’re mean.” 

 

“Hmm, maybe. But you like that.”

 

Emma laughed , “Yeah I did find you being all bitchy when we first met attractive in some weird way. Not that I realized.”

 

“You gave as good as you got. Don’t forget that,” Regina pointed out. “You challenged me immediately. It was refreshing.”

 

Emma put her hand on top of Regina’s on the gear shift and squeezed. “Thank you for being patient with me. I’m so happy we’re doing this.”

 

The smile she recieved was luminous. “So am I.”

 

Lunch was at a burger place. Emma’s face must have shown how surprised she was because Regina offered, “I eat more than salads,” with a laugh.

 

The restaurant, some gourmet burger place “Burger Palace” was a little busy but they were immediately ushered over to a table. Emma opened the menu and salivated at all the options. “Oh my God. How did I not know about this place?”

 

“It opened fairly recently. I thought this was a safe bet, considering you demolished a burger in my presence not so long ago.”

 

Emma blushed. “I promise I won’t do that today. Despite how it seems, I do have some manners.”

 

“Don’t hold back for my sake,” Regina put down her menu with a shrug. “You enjoy food and I like that about you. I imagine your appetite extends to other areas.” She lifted a brow coyly.

 

The innuendo was obvious. Usually Emma found herself out of sorts and unsure when flirting but their date has been going so well and Regina was smirking at her shamelessly, she felt bold.

 

“I guess you’ll find out soon enough,” Emma replied with a wink.

 

Regina was still speechless when the server came to collect their order, Emma counted that as a victory.

 

Her burger was delicious and despite Regina saying she didn’t mind, Emma knew the way she’d actually like to consume it was not fit for public viewing. Still she’d finished before Regina was even half done her’s. Regina caught her eyeing her fries and nudged them toward her with a fond shake of her head.

 

Discussion was light, with that same chemistry they’ve had since day one. Regina covered her mouth as she laughed and Emma was so proud of being the cause of that sound. When she was done the server seems to notice immediately and came to check in with them.

 

“I hope everything was to you and your guest’s satisfaction Miss Mills.” Regina looked to Emma questioningly.

 

“It was amazing. The best burger I’ve ever had. Actually-” She couldn’t help thinking this may come across as greedy. “Nevermind.”

 

“Emma,” Regina gave her a reassuring smile, “Just say it.”

 

“I was just wondering if I could order one to take home. I don’t know if you guys do that?” 

 

The server looked at Regina, who gives her a slight nod. “Of course. I’ll just go talk to the kitchen and get you your bill.”

 

With her extra burger wrapped and the bill paid (completely by Regina despite Emma’s protests) they headed to the door. They were so wrapped up in each other they didn’t notice the commotion outside until it was too late.

 

Cameras flashed and mic was thrust in their direction.

 

“Regina, how are the reviews of your new restaurant? Is this the first time you’ve brought a friend to dine here?”

 

Grimacing before forcing a smile, Regina replied, “We’ve only been open for a week but business is good, as are reviews. My co-star Emma Swan is actually a burger connoisseur.” She laughed lightly, “I was interested in her opinion of our burgers. She seemed to like them.” Her eyes flicked to a still frozen Emma warily.

 

The mic was shoved closer to Emma, the camera zoomed in on her shell shocked face. “What’s the verdict Emma? How was your meal?”

 

She couldn’t think. 

 

Emma had done interviews before of course. Press for her roles but being caught out like this, on a date with Regina, had her brain frozen in panic.  Without a word she turned and ran back into the restaurant. She headed straight for the bathroom, locking herself in a stall and slumping onto the seat. Her knees were drawn up into her chest and she pressed her face to them with a groan.

 

“Oh my God.” She ran. She ran and abandoned Regina, her date. Who does that? She just shut down and acted on autopilot. “Oh my God.” There would definitely be footage of that. She might even end up on one of those celebrity gossip programs looking like a deer caught in headlights. She’d never live this down. And Regina...Regina probably wouldn't want anything further to do with her after she’d publicly embarrassed her like that.

 

She blinked back tears desperately, wondering how the hell she was even going to get out this restaurant.

 

Time passed, Emma wasn’t sure how much, until she heard footsteps entering the bathroom.

 

“Emma?” The distinct sound of Regina’s voice echoed in the bathroom. She was hoping Regina would just leave, no such luck.

 

“Emma, Sherry told me she saw you run in here. Please just talk to me.”

 

Maybe she’d give up. Maybe Emma could quit the show so she never had to see Regina again. Her career would be over but it would be so much less embarrassing.

 

The feet walked slowly, passed every stall. Emma watched as they stopped just outside of her’s.

 

“Emma, just tell me you’re okay at least. Are you having another panic attack?” She sighed. “I guess you wouldn’t be able to tell me if you were.” Maybe if she just ignored her she’d leave. Although that still didn’t solve the problem of her escape but that was for later Emma to deal with.

 

And then knees appeared under her door, followed by hands and worried face. “Emma. I’m coming in.” Emma watched in shock as Regina Mills, a woman she’d never seen even ruffled besides being sweaty from a workout, in all the time she’d worked with her, slithered under the door of a bathroom stall. She rose to her knees in front of Emma placing both hands on her ankles.

 

“Are you alright.” This couldn’t be real. “I’m sorry about the paparazzi. I know I promised they’d leave us alone. I think the manager here tipped them off for the publicity. I’ll fire him of course.”

 

“Can you- can you speak?” Her hands tightened, brow furrowed in concern.

 

“I can’t believe you did that.” Probably not the best way to start this conversation but at least she wasn’t crying.

 

“What. Oh you mean crawling under the door? You weren’t answering. I had to see you.”

 

The anger heating her blood was a surprise. “Why?! After what I just did? I ran from a stupid interview about a burger, Regina. Like a child how can you- Why do you care how I feel?” Regina just looked at her calmly, not acknowledging her tone.

 

“You were clearly upset. Of course I would be concerned. I care about you.”

 

“You shouldn’t. Don’t you get it? I’m a fucking closet case with a host of mental health issues. I’m nowhere near good enough for you. You shouldn’t care about me.” She didn’t deserve it and she knew it. She didn’t deserve an ounce of Regina’s kindness.

 

“Oh Emma.” Emma fidgeted avoiding Regina’s sad eyes. That soft look of caring that made her feel so unworthy.

 

“Please look at me?” Emma’s hands clenched on her knees, she shook her head. “Emma.” But she couldn’t resist that tone. She looked at Regina. Warm brown eyes bored into hers.

 

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you. But I do understand the concept of having low self worth.” She sighed. “I don’t speak of my family. Do you know why that is?” Emma shook her head. She’d noticed that Regina never talked about any relations or her past much in general beyond acting, but she’d never wanted to push. She had secrets of her own after all.

 

“My mother was overbearing, emotionally abusive. She treated me as if I could never be good enough and for a very long time I believed it. So much so that I entered into a relationship with the first man who made me feel like I was worth something despite the obvious signs he wasn’t all he said he was.” It was obvious who she was alluding to. 

 

“When he betrayed me I had… something of a breakdown. A friend offered me a bed at her retreat and access to some mental health professionals. My manager demanded I go. I spent a month working on myself. Addressing issues long buried. I found myself. The person I was under all the toxic insecurities.” Rising from her knees with a groan, Regina reached out for one of Emma’s hands. Emma gave it to her, dropping her legs to the floor.

 

“All that is to say, I’m not judging you for being unwell. And I won’t push you to get help until you’re ready, although I think you could benefit from some speaking to someone. I just want to be here for you, just like someone was for me. I believe you deserve that even if you don’t.”

 

What do you say to that? When a woman you’ve hurt, goes out of her way to comfort you? Once again Emma was at a loss.

 

“I-” She didn’t deserve this but if Regina was offering to stick around she’d be stupid to turn her down. “Thank you. I’m really sorry about earlier. I- I was seeing someone at one at one point you know. I was even on medication but I don’t want to be dependant on that.”

 

“I respect that.” She opened the stall and took Emma’s hand, pulling her along. “Let me take you home.”

 

“Do you think- Could I stay with you tonight? I just- I don’t want to be alone.”

 

Regina smiled slightly, “Absolutely. We can order a pizza to go along with your burger and watch something light.”

 

“That would be fantastic.” Emma stopped in sudden realization. “You own this place? You own a semi fancy, which is the least surprising part, burger joint? Do you know how attractive that is?”

 

Regina just laughed and tugged on Emma’s hand again to move her along.

 

She knew this wouldn’t last. Eventually Regina would get fed up with and move on. And they hadn’t talked about what had happened after she’d run with paparazzi or the inevitable fallout from all that. But right now, someone cared about her and they showed it and that was everything.

  
  
  
  


**Breaking Point**

 

San Diego Comic Con was a giant press junket/con for tv shows and nerdy things. Archie and Faye had decided the show would have a big appearance. They would do a slew of interviews and preview the first episode of the show to drum up excitement.

 

Not that people weren’t already excited. Regina hadn’t stopped tweeting and instagramming things from behind the scenes of the show. Notably absent from all those photos was Emma. Regina said it was because she didn’t want to make Emma anxious but Emma guessed it was because of the incident with the paparazzi. She’d said she wasn’t mad about that but Emma was never convinced, especially considering the effort she must have had to go to, to get rid of that footage of Emma running away like an idiot.

 

So Emma, Regina and Mary Margaret were fully booked for two days straight. Their first interview was with Entertainment Tonight. Regina was glad to get that “biased homophobic mess” out of the way. What followed was a whirlwind of interviews all leading up to a big panel at the end where they would screen the premiere. 

  
Emma could feel the lack of sleep and constant need to be “on”, getting to her. Answering the same questions over and over as she laughed and tried not to let her nerves get out of control. Attempting to keep her eyes and hands off of Regina in anything more than a friendly way. On that part she was being extra cautious to the point of stiffness, and she could tell they were coming off a bit awkward together. But better awkward than  _ in love _ ...which was another thing she absolutely couldn’t afford to dwell on. 

 

The night before their final day Emma spent in bed next to Regina, trying and failing to sleep. She couldn’t wait until this con was over.

 

\----

 

The premiere was a smash, Emma could tell just by the audience reaction. The applause was thunderous.

 

The cast, along with Archie and Faye, were ushered out on stage to smiling faces. The first thirty minutes were spent talking to the moderator who gushed about the show and how much she’d enjoyed their past work. She also asked some questions about production and what it was like working on the project. Everyone gave decent answers, drawing a few laughs from the crowd. It was going fantastically well and Emma was thrilled this thing she was so proud to be involved in was appealing to people, not to mention she could be back in Regina’s bed in a few hours.

 

When they opened the floor for audience questions, Emma felt a pang of nervousness go through her. But the moderator would make sure nothing too weird was asked, she had to hope.

 

The first few questions were easy and innocent. Asking about their personal takes on their characters or what they thought they had in common with them. Asking the producers about casting. It was mostly fans asking these questions and they were reveling in the chance to get inside info. Emma was beginning to think the nerves were unfounded, until a woman from some fansite got the mic.

 

“I was curious if you guys were aware that there is a large portion of queer women already shipping Captain Kate Mulgrew and First Officer Jeri Ryan as a romantic couple? And if you were open to the idea of that in the future.”

 

Emma felt herself go rigid, though she tried to smile through the terror enveloping her.

 

Archie spoke first, smiling gently, “We don’t really have everything mapped out yet, in terms of long term romances, but I can say personally I would be open to seeing wherever the story takes us.” Which was kind of a politician’s answer in Emma’s mind but she was just hoping to move on to another question. But apparently the asker wasn’t satisfied.

 

“And the rest of you? Would either of you leading ladies be opposed to playing love interests? You have formed ideas of these characters, do you think this is a possibility for them in your personal opinion?” Emma looked to the moderator, who seemed to be waving at someone to collect the mic from the pushy questioner.

 

“Alright, perhaps we should move on-”

 

“I’ll answer that.” Regina stated boldly. Emma was equal parts worried and curious about where this was going.

 

“Kate is a leader. She’s Captain of crew of 130 people. There’s always something going on, some fire to put out, so i doubt she gets a lot of time to even think about romance. If it were to develop, it would most likely be with someone she’d spent a lot of time with, someone who challenged her and also someone who reminded her she wasn’t alone with her decisions. That they believed in her and so I do think Jeri fits that bill yes. I could see that for her. Of course I don’t write for the show so this is just my opinion.” The crowd roared at her answer and Regina laughed lightly. “I hope that doesn’t get me into any trouble. Remember that was my opinion alright, don’t yell at the writer’s if they don’t go there.”

 

Regina’s answer was everything. Everything those women deserved, everything the closeted lesbian in Emma wanted to have and she was so glad they got. And relieved it hadn’t fallen to her to say it...except it seemed every one was also waiting for her take. She could feel the eyes of the crowd on her, as well as her fellow cast and crew, Regina’s were apologetic.

 

Emma cleared her throat, “Of course I wouldn’t be opposed to that if that’s what the writer’s chose. I haven’t really given much thought to it personally. Jeri’s life is in upheaval. This is her last chance to redeem herself. I think she’s more focused on proving herself than romance. I see her relationship with Kate as her first real friendship and a mentorship of sorts. I guess it could develop into more than that but I think it’s a bit presumptuous to immediately make a close female friendship into something weird and jump to that sort of conclusion?”

 

All Emma could hear was her heartbeat thrumming in her ears. It was taking everything inside her to stay calm. She had no idea what she’d said but based on the audience reaction of light polite clapping it definitely didn’t go over as well as Regina’s answer. She was too busy trying not to think about what it meant that people saw romance between her and Regina even though they were playing characters at the time. Had she been too obvious about her feelings? She didn’t think so but apparently other queer women were picking up on something and she….was struggling for breath. Luckily the panel was wrapping up. 

 

They announced the premiere date, thanked everyone for coming out and walked off stage. Regina immediately pulled her away to a side room. 

 

“Emma you need to breathe, sweetie.”

 

“They know Regina. They know about us. I can’t-” Emma could feel her breath speeding up, her vision closing in. 

 

“Emma! Emma listen to me. Listen to my voice okay.” Again  warm hand came to rest on her chest and her own was placed above Regina’s beating heart. “Count with me okay? 1...2...3…”

 

This time it took until they hit 15 for Emma to fully come back to herself, when she did she immediately felt like an idiot.

 

Regina wrapped her arms around Emma firmly. “We have chemistry. Anyone can see that. But you shouldn’t jump to the assumption that they somehow know we’re together,” she murmured into her neck.

 

“I know. I just...I haven’t been sleeping well and this whole thing has been really stressful, my brain is not firing on all cylinders. I’m really sorry you had to talk me down again.”

 

“As I’ve said before, you don’t need to apologize for that. But I really do think you should see someone. I wasn’t going to push but these panic attacks only seem to be getting more frequent and I’m worried.”

 

“I don’t mean to worry you. Usually I can manage it fine. You know I’m not like this all the time right?” Regina paused, frowning.

 

“Right,” Emma continued, “So I just need to eat something and sleep, and I’ll be fine. Do you think...I mean, I know we’ve spent this entire weekend together but…”

 

“Of course you can stay over Emma.” Emma sighed with relief and contentment. “Cool, I’ll stop at my place for some clothes and meet you at yours.” Reluctantly she pulled herself from Regina’s embrace. “Come on, everyone is probably looking for us. We need to get to the cars before they leave us behind. Can’t miss our flight.”

 

Despite the panic attack at the end there. And all the too close for comfort questions, Emma thought Comic Con had gone fairly well. People were really excited and she was happy that for the first time in a while she was making something that could have big impact. Not just on few hundreds who saw on her onstage but on millions of viewers across the world. This could show could make a huge mark on the television landscape for years to come and Emma was looking forward to it.

 

\---

 

Letting herself into her apartment, Emma was surprised by what was missing. She didn’t feel at home here, not anymore. She missed Regina and they’d only just parted. God, she was such a sap. She decided she’d take a shower and wash off all the gross airplane air before heading to Regina’s.

 

Wrapped in a robe and feeling so much better, Emma began packing for Regina’s. She decided she’d bring something nice and maybe surprise Regina by taking her somewhere fancy. They hadn’t really tried going out in public much since the camera incident and she knew Regina was feeling frustrated. Honestly so was Emma, she needed to stop being such a coward. But just thinking about everyone knowing made her heart start to race and her hands all clammy.

 

Still, one dinner, she could do that for Regina. She decided to call Regina and tell her she’d be there in an hour. Turning on her phone for the first time since before she boarded the flight she was surprised at all the notifications. Overwhelming dread washed over her. She bipassed the twitter and instagram notifications and went straight to checking her voice mail. The first one was from Ruby and she sounded worried. 

 

“Emma, call me when you get this. We need to talk damage control.”

 

Her hands shook as she hit number 1 on her speed dial. 

 

“Em?” she sighed. “Are you alright?”

 

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s happened Ruby? Tell me.”

 

“Christ. Look, your response at the panel. You know, when that woman was talking about yours and Regina’s characters hooking up? Well the people that ship you two are pissed. Apparently you came across as vaguely homophobic.”

 

“What?!” Emma felt her knees give way and was grateful she’d been so close to her bed when they did.

 

“I don’t- I don’t even remember what I said Ruby I wasn’t….I was kind of panicking at that point.”

 

“Oh Em. Apparently you called the idea of you two together...weird? It came across as if you thought being gay was unnatural.”

 

“Oh my God.” Emma could already feel her chest tightening, vision swimming.

 

“Yeah and you know normally people wouldn’t care because I mean who really cares about shippers right? But some big media outlet picked up on it and the video of your answer versus Regina’s has gone viral. People are...upset. Regina and Mary Margaret are defending you on social media but we should really put out a statement.”

 

Emma couldn’t even hear Ruby’s voice anymore. Her brain was going a mile a minute. People thought she was a homophobe. The fans were upset. The studio would probably be calling soon for a statement if not to outright fire her. 

 

And she was going to pass out. Because Regina wasn’t there to talk her out of this one and she was too damn stubborn to fill that prescription her last therapist had given her over 2 year ago. She’d thought at the time, that the medication made her weak but she’d do anything for one of those pills now. 

 

Distantly she could hear Ruby’s voice on the line trying to get her attention. “Emma! Look I’m coming over! You don’t sound good. I know you didn’t mean it Emma, I know you. Just say something.”

 

“I-” She grit her teeth. She didn’t need Ruby to see her like this, she’d blame herself if she how bad Emma was really doing.

 

“I’m fine Ruby. I just need sleep okay. I’ll call you in the morning.”

 

“Em-”

 

Somehow she got out those words and had enough energy to end the call before darkness took her.

 

She woke to the feeling of fingers carding through her hair. She was wrapped in a familiar embrace, head against a chest that contained a heartbeat she knew well.

 

“Regina,” Emma gasped. Her throat was dry and she had no idea what time it was but  Regina was here and so everything would be fine. “When did you get here?”

 

“About an hour ago.”

 

“Right. And what time is it?”

 

“It’s 5am sweetheart. You slept straight through the night.”

 

“I passed out again.”

 

The hand in her hair faltered for a second. “Is that so?”

 

“Yeah I didn’t mean to blow you off. I’m so sorry. About everything. I’m such a fucking mess Regina. You could do so much better. Why do you keep helping me?” Emma could feel herself winding up again, her breath shallow, every muscle tensing. “Can’t you see that you’d be better off without me?”

 

“Emma calm down.” Regina squeezed her tightly in her arms and started stroking her hair again. “Clearly we need to discuss a few things but i need to tell you something important okay?”

 

Emma frowned in confusion, “Okay?”

 

“I love you.” Emma didn’t know how to respond to that. While her anxious, disbelieving mind wanted to dismiss it part of her knew it to be true. Regina didn’t seem bothered by the lack of response.

 

“I love you which is why we need to discuss you talking to a doctor. This isn’t healthy.” Even knowing she couldn’t argue that fact Emma felt slightly incredulous. “I worry about you all the time.”

 

That was the last thing Emma wanted to hear. She pulled away slightly to catch Regina’s eye. “You do?”

 

“Of course I do. Tonight is a perfect example of why. You told me you were coming over to stay the night and then well I’m assuming you heard about the controversy surrounding what you said at the conference? Then I can’t get in contact with you? I had to call your agent who sent me over with her emergency key because she was also worried. Now you’re telling me you had a panic attack so severe you blacked out. And slept for several hours. What about any of this isn’t concerning?”

 

“I’m sorry Regina I….do they hate me? Is it bad?”

 

“Well it’s not good. But I know you weren’t exactly thinking properly at the time. This is fixable, I can take care of it.”

 

“No. You don’t need to keep cleaning up my messes.” Emma pulled free of Regina’s grasp. “This is my mess, I need to fix it. I’ll  apologize.” She stood and walked toward the kitchen grabbing a glass and filling it with water before chugging it. She could hear Regina following behind her.

 

“I’m less concerned with what you said and more about why you said. Do you think us being together is unnatural Emma? Is that what all this potent nervous energy about us being discovered has really been about, internalized homophobia?”

 

Suddenly furious Emma slammed the glass down on the counter, her eyes hardened as she took a step toward Regina. “I’m not a homophobe! How could you ever think that I believe hate you.”

 

Instead of backing down Regina took a step forward herself, her eyes sad. “Not me maybe. But yourself.” As quick as it came the anger was gone and all Emma could feel was familiar shame and disgust. “There’s so much self loathing in you Emma. And as someone who loves you, it’s painful to see. We’ve never addressed it or the depression but I know they’re both part and parcel with your anxiety. And you have need help dealing with it, just like I did, but you have to accept that.”

 

Fully closing the distance between them Regina pulled Emma into her arms again as she cried. Deep wrenching sobs wrung from her, as Regina held her in the light from the rising sun, shining through the kitchen window. 

 

“I don’t want to be broken.”

 

“None of us are perfect Emma. You’re not broken, you’re sick. We’re not machines, we’re humans with flaws. And sometimes we need help, there is nothing about that to be ashamed of. Do you understand?”

 

“I love you too, you know?”

 

She couldn’t see but she could hear the smile in Regina’s voice. “I do.”

 

“I think...I need help.”

 

Regina put her arms around Emma’s neck and kissed her softly before leaning her forehead against Emma’s.

 

“I’m proud of you. I’ll make some calls.”

 

**Moving Forward**

 

_ “So Emma, you requested this interview. I assume it’s to respond to the backlash from the comment you made at Comic Con three months ago. Some people believe you to be a homophobe. Is that true?” Tiffany Bell, tilted her head in a mildly curious manner. _

 

_ Taking a deep breath Emma shook her head, “Not at all. My statement at Comic Con was the result of a lengthy battle with mental illness. To be perfectly honest I don’t remember answering the question. I only found out afterward what I’d said.” _

 

_ “After the backlash?” _

 

_ “Yes. After the very justified outrage by the fans.” _

 

_ “So you do believe they had the right to be upset with you?” _

 

_ “Of course. If didn’t know me, I would be upset too. I was actually quite disappointed in myself for saying it. It lead to some changes in my life that I’d like to talk about today but first…” Emma looked off to the side where Regina stood smiling at her softly. She owed them this, everyone like her out there. Everyone she’d hurt, inadvertently, with her own self loathing. “I want to apologize. To anyone I made feel less than in any way. To anyone who thought that I believe two women in falling love is something disgusting or shameful. Love in all forms is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.” _

 

_ “So can I ask? What prompted you to do this video interview instead of releasing a statement through your publisher?” _

 

_ “I wanted people to be able to look at my face and know I meant this apology. That I made it personally, not a publicist. Because this is personal to me.” _

 

_ The Tiffany’s eyes widened slightly, as if she was suddenly cottoning on to where Emma was going with all this. “Would you care to elaborate on that?” _

 

_ Emma paused to collect her thoughts, this was it, what months of therapy had lead up to, “For a long time, years in fact, I’ve struggled with my own sexuality.” Ever the professional, the interviewers face changed almost imperceptibly. No one watching later would be able to see it but Emma could read the surprise easily. “I’ve known I was gay since I was quite young. Growing up in foster care it was just another thing that made me different, difficult, unloveable. I was told many times by several different people that being gay was wrong. That I was stupid, worthless, disgusting. It was especially horrible because I never actually came out to these people. I was just this rough little thing, always playing with the boys, always fighting. They all started to assume and I didn’t protest it at first but after a while...well I worked very hard to hide it. By the time I made it out of foster care, I was deeply depressed, deeply closeted and full of a whole lot of self hatred.” _

 

_ “It sounds as if you had a very difficult childhood? How do you move from that, to acting?” _

 

_ “I would credit my best friend and manager Ruby with that. We met in high school. She let me move in with her when I turned seventeen. Helped me get a job and get into community college. And she was the first person to suggest therapy to me when I first began experiencing crippling anxiety attacks. I got on good medication and discovered theatre at school which really helped me channel all the things I couldn’t face.” _

 

_ “You were discovered at a school play is that right?” _

 

_ “Someone in the audience happened to be a producer on a show. They were looking for someone with my appearance and it helped that I wasn’t a terrible actor.” Emma laughed self deprecatingly. _

 

_ “Some would say you’re being modest.” _

 

_ “I would inform them that it took a very long time for me to acknowledge I was good at or for anything. So this much is progress.” _

 

_ “So after playing Clara on Difficult Doctor. You’re career took off. You’ve been working steadily ever since. Plays and bit parts in many programs.” _

 

_ “I was doing well enough that I could get my own apartment here in Vancouver. And Clara brought some loyal fans. But I was starting to think….that I wouldn’t ever have another role like it. It had been three years since the end of the show and I felt as if I’d peaked. I started neglecting my mental health. Falling into bad habits. I was thinking about quitting acting. _

 

_ “And then this show came along.” _

 

_ “I knew I was meant for it right away. I cruised through the first few interviews. All the way up to the biggest hurdle, my table read with Regina.” _

 

_ “You didn’t get along?” _

 

_ “We knew exactly how to push each other’s buttons. It made us great together on screen but that first meeting, no it didn’t go well. I wasn’t expecting a callback but I got it. She actually supported that decision, I found out later.” _

 

_ “It’s rumoured that you and Regina don’t get along because you’ve been almost completely absent from her social media coverage of shooting behind the scenes tidbits.” _

 

_ “Yeah I knew about that. It isn’t true, we’re actually...quite close.” Emma laughed _

 

_ “Close enough that she’s here with you today?” _

 

_ “She is, yes.” At this point the camera turned to Regina who waved. _

 

_ “Should we get in here for the rest of this interview?” Tiffany turned to Regina and asked, “Would you be alright with that? We can get you a chair. Of course you can say no.” Regina nodded and someone scuttled off to get a chair and placed it next to Emma’s. _

 

_ “So Emma was just telling us, you two are rather close.”  _

 

_ Regina smirked, her eyes twinkling, “I would say so.” _

 

_ “She is my girlfriend after all…” This time the interviewer’s shock was obvious. _

 

_ “You’re a couple.” _

 

_ “Yes,” Emma chuckled, linking hands with a laughing Regina.  _

 

_ “And, how long have you been together?” _

 

_ “What has it been, 9 months or so?” _

 

_ “Something like that,” Regina nodded. “We didn’t start dating until about 3 months into filming.” _

 

_ “And how did that happen?” _

 

_ They both laugh again staring into each other’s eyes. “First we got drunk.” _

 

_ “After that audition where we had some friction. I thought i should apologize. I threw a party for the cast and crew to kick off filming and asked Emma to talk alone. We recognized a connection and decided to get to know each other… over half a bottle of whiskey.” _

 

_ “That was all her doing, I told her to go back to her party but for some crazy reason she stayed with me, talking about nothing really. But it was enjoyable conversation. It lasted hours. Then I got freaked out because i liked her so much and ran from her for a while. But eventually we figured it out. Of course i was still deep in the closet and nervous about anyone figuring us out. That’s why I’m not in the social media stuff. She was...protecting me.” _

 

_ “You weren’t ready. And I respected that.” _

 

_ “That all came to a head with the fan question at Comic Con. I was panicking about being obvious. I sort of disassociated. I was so busy internally, freaking out, my mouth was on autopilot and some of my own bad thoughts about myself spilled out. Which lead to a breakdown, then with Regina’s support, more therapy. Now here we are.” _

 

_ “Here we are. You’re coming out, not only as a lesbian but with this new relationship. Are you prepared for the scrutiny you’ll face after this interview airs?” _

 

_ Emma turned smiling eyes on Regina, “I think we are.” _

 

_ And she didn’t doubt, based on the look Regina was giving her, hours of discussion and support, and a recent surprise proposition, that Regina felt the same. _

 

_ “Now, Regina,” Tiffany’s eyes sparkled, “ I’ve heard a rumour that quaint little burger spot you purchased was to impress a certain someone?” _

 

_ Regina just stuttered, her face red while Emma laughed at her reaction. _

 

_ “You will pay for this later, Miss Swan.” _

 

_ “I can’t wait.” _

 

\---

 

“I suppose you’re all wondering why you’re all here?” 

 

Heads bobbed around the table and someone shouted, “You’re damn right, I took a six hour flight to be here.” That was probably Mal.

 

“And I appreciate that. You didn’t have to show up, so thank you for being here.” Emma sent her a sincere smile.

 

“Ugh, yes yes, I’m amazing. Get on with it.” Mal waved a hand at them not acknowledging Emma’s words beyond a little smile, just for her.

 

“Last night Regina and I filmed an interview to discuss my remarks at Comic Con and some other personal developments. I’m sure most of you are aware at this point as we haven’t exactly been hiding it but we wanted to officially tell all our friends before you found out on tv..”

 

At this point Emma reached down and intertwined her hand with Regina’s.

 

“We’re in love. And I just recently asked Emma to move in here with me. She said yes.”

 

There was raucous applause and cheers of “Finally.” Ruby and Mary Margaret both went up to squeeze the life out of Emma who just let them, laughing exuberantly. Regina’s friend Marian, who Emma had only met recently, wrapped her arms around Regina and whispered something into her ear that made her eyes suspiciously wet. Emma furrowed her brow in question and Regina smiled at her reassuringly.

 

The rest of the night was spent melding their social circles. Surrounded by the people that loved and supported them, they felt even more sure about their decision.

 

She was deep in discussion with Mary Margaret and her husband David about some show he was thinking of producing himself when Emma felt someone staring at her from across the room. 

 

She turned and met Regina’s glance. Her eyes were full of warmth and love and all those things Emma didn’t believe she deserved but there in that moment, surrounded by their friends, she finally thought for the first time, maybe it wasn’t about being deserving. Maybe she was who Regina wanted and Regina was who she wanted and that was enough. Working to stay healthy, to be the best person she could be, that was enough. 

  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> This thing is...well it didn't turn out how I thought it would at all. Truth is for a long while the story and I fought each other on what direction to go in. I wanted it to be fun and silly and meta. And while it still is pretty meta, and I hope you get those moments and understand where or what they're from, it ended up being serious and sad. And a serious struggle to write. While I'm disappointed by how it turned out, I'm proud despite my own personal struggles, I made the deadline and finished it. 
> 
> Comments are welcome, even constructive criticism. Also go look at the art for this. My artist worked with my fic, which was incomplete right up until deadline, to create something so cute, they deserve several cookies. @ughaghost on twitter @annalisequeer-ing on tumblr.


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